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Emotional Maturity and Attachment
1-09-2018
Over the past two columns, we’ve discussed the pertinent topic of children and technology, especially smart phones. Parents worry about the amount of time spent on devices; the inappropriate content children are exposed to; the crude, rude, and risky talk they engage in; and the seemingly impossibility of disconnecting. Although the technology is positioned as the problem, in reality, the issue is a maturity one.
Society is caught in a paradox. From an intellectual point of view, this generation of children and teens have more knowledge and information than ever before, but from an developmental perspective, they are woefully immature.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a world-renowned expert on how to raise children who develop in maturity as opposed to simply growing older while holding onto immature attitudes, behaviours, and dispositions. Neufeld reminds us that “children cannot grow up each other.” When children and teens are heavily invested in each other through a peer culture relentlessly accessible through their phones, instead of an environment mediated by caring and responsible adults, they marinate in each other’s immaturity. They become deeply attached to each other and less attached to their parents, teachers, and adult role models. Children and teens, in their immaturity, cannot comprehend the absurdity of letting themselves be “raised” by peers who are at the same or lower level. A natural part of the developmental process is to imitate and emulate those who we are attached to - we become like them. The digital world entices children out of their parents’ orbit into a blackhole of peer and celebrity influence characterized by immature attention seeking antics.
Parents have to prioritize reforming relationships with their children in order to provide nourishing and sustaining attachments. Dr. Deborah MacNamara, who trained under Dr. Neufeld, explains, “the key issue is not how much we love our children, but whether they have given their hearts to us. Children do not follow parents or learn from teachers they are not attached to. You cannot protect, preserve, or be a guardian for a child’s heart that has not been entrusted to you for safekeeping.” MacNamara goes on, “Parents were meant to be the natural caretakers of a child’s emotional system, to orient and guide them, to lead, to look out for, and to share one’s values. We need to hold onto the hearts of our children, it is what will make them fully human and humane. We cannot live this part of our lives from behind screens and through devices. Our attachment with our children is the one thing that cannot be displaced or replaced by algorithms, apps, or reduced to 0’s and 1’s.”
The passionate devotion to technology is not the problem - the problem is an underlying shaky relationship between the parent and child that has hampered optimal growth and maturity. MacNamara continues, “What our children need most are relational homes to grow up in, where adults invite them into relationship and to rest in their caretaking. When our children can take for granted their relational needs will be met by the adults in their lives, they will be free to play, to discover, and become their own separate beings” capable of forming boundaries, adapting to circumstances, recovering from setbacks, acting responsibly, getting along with diverse groups of people, full of consideration, empathy, and good judgment. When children and teens have the preceding capabilities, they do not misuse technology. Neufeld advocates that children develop these capabilities in the home through being attached to their parents.
Of course, it all sounds wonderful, but how to do it is the question, especially if a child or teen has already shifted his allegiance to his peers. Neufeld has developed a six-stage model to help parents understand how attachment develops and how to strengthen it no matter the age of the child. Attachment happens through 1) proximity - touch, contact and closeness, 2) sameness - the desire to be like us, 3) belonging - the relief of not having to “earn” membership in the family or group, 4) significance - feeling precious and valued, 5) love - having emotional intimacy that allows connectedness to override physical separation, and, 6) being known - trusting us with their secrets. We’ll explore each area thoroughly in the next couple of columns.
In the meantime, I highly recommend Neufeld’s book, “Hold on to your Kids,” and MacNamara’s book, “Rest, Play, Grow.” Additionally, the Neufeld Institute offers a variety of online and in-person courses and workshops for parents, including an annual conference happening this year on April 13 -14 in Richmond, BC. More information, including the articles quoted above can be found at https://neufeldinstitute.org.
Footnotes: Footnotes: Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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