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Tears of Futility
3-07-2018
Most of us don't like to hear a child cry. Often, we try to soothe her with words like "You're okay. It’s not that bad. Take a deep breathe. You don't need to cry." Or we might shame him, "You're a big boy now. You shouldn't cry over little things like this. Stop crying right now. Control yourself!" Soothing and shaming words can be interchangeable: it's our tone and body language that indicate the difference. Other reliable tricks to stop crying are distraction and small-stakes bribery. "Oh, look at this..." or "Here, have a cookie." Sometimes, we intervene and fix the problem such as when we tell a sibling to do what the crying child wants. If none of the above work, we send the child away to his or her room with a "Come out when you've calmed down" command. All of these strategies say something about our own personal discomfort with tears and our need to manage the situation so that we don’t get frustrated and lose control ourselves.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld, co-author of "Hold on to your Kids, and Attachment Parenting advocate, has a very different approach to a child crying. He encourages us to understand the essential role crying has in helping a person to mature. He especially concentrates on the value of crying during situations filled with futility – times of helplessness when it is not possible to get what you want and you are unable to change the situation. Futility is normal, from missing the bus to having a loved one die, we all encounter situations where we are not in control of the events: we only have control of our response to what happens. Rather than to try to soothe, shame, distract, fix, or quarantine the child, Neufeld challenges us to stay supportive of the struggle.
Neufeld explains that a child who is not allowed to cry during times of futility risks having his heart hardened. His anger or frustration is never released and he is unable to complete the cycle of moving from mad to sad, which can lead to patterns of aggression or depression. Energy and emotions fixate on the the unfairness which causes defensiveness. When given a psychologically safe space and sufficient time, the hot angry tears will transform and cool. You can physically feel this shift. It's that moment when his rigidity releases and he melts into your arms. Our goal as parents and caregivers is to be grounded in unconditional love so that, during life's little and big storms of futility, our child can experience what if feels like to move from anger to acceptance by surrendering to the vulnerable emotions of dissapointment and sadness.
Staying present and spacious when a child is crying, especially if it has escalated into a tantrum, is not easy. Nor does every bout of tears need to go through the whole cycle. But, on occasion, find the energy to help your child stay with his feelings and to embody the sense of releasing the anger and accepting the sadness. Be ready. Futile situations are by nature undesirable and provocative, therefore, a child will often use physically and verbally aggression to express the power of the anger and frustration flooding through her. It's important that you don't get caught up in the turmoil and look for a quick escape. No lecturing, no problem-solving, no discussion of consequences, no rescuing, no putting things into perspective, no discounting the feelings, no changing the subject. Just stay firm, but from a soft place inside yourself. Help them to face the situation. "I can see this is hard for you to accept. I wish I could make it go away, but I can't (or won't). We'll get through this together." Go slowly. Sadness is painful, especially when what we desire is unattainable, yet we cling stubbornly to hope or the seemingly safer decoy of anger to hide the raw feelings of sadness. Neufeld stress that it's not enough to rationalize the sadness; there must be an emotional release. When futility is felt the limbic system and amygdala activate signalling the nervous system to stop being defensive and to start releasing tension. Oxytocin, the chemical that dampens the feelings of stress, flows through the body as tears flow down the cheeks. These are the cooling tears of acceptance which allows the child to adapt to the situation and to stop fruitlessly fighting.
A crying child is in distress which we naturally want to alleviate. Instead of taking the easy way out with a quick fix, choose sometimes to hold on to your child through the tearful journey from frustration and anger to sadness and acceptance.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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