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Bullying
4-18-2018
The thought of our child being bullied is frightening for most parents. We don’t want our child to suffer and we certainly don’t want him to be so tormented that he considers self-harm. Our reaction is to protect, to soothe, and to remedy the situation. Finding out that our child is a bully invokes a different reaction. We get upset and angry at the idea that our child would intentionally cause someone else to suffer. We punish, scold, and force remorse through making them say sorry or make amends. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental approach suggests that these typical responses to bullying are inefficient as they focus on the symptoms instead of getting to the root of the problem.
Neufeld explains that a bullying is vulnerability problem. A bully’s is defended against his own emotions. He is afraid of his vulnerability and cannot bear to face his own weakness. He hardens his heart in order to avoid dealing with pain, but this desperate move also blocks being able to feel empathy, caring, and consideration. A bully’s heightened sensitivity and need to shield against personal vulnerability makes it very easy for them to see the soft spots in others. You experience this after purchasing a certain car model, it becomes instantly recognizable and you can’t help but to automatically notice when your car model comes zipping up alongside. Similarly, a bully is attuned to notice the vulnerability in others because it is such an intimate part of himself. Regrettably, instead of being moved to take care of others, his hardened heart seeks to dominate and humiliate.
Punishment of a bully only hardens her heart further. Neufeld’s research shows the way to reform a bully is to bring down her emotional shield through a caring adult relationship. In order to release pent up vulnerabilities, bullies need to rest in the care of a loving but firm adult. Deborah MacNamara, an instructor at the Neufeld Institute, says, “When a bully feels cared for again they can be made fully human and humane. A bully’s heart can only be brought back to life with the caring heart of another human being. Insight from adults is needed to help others understand that hurt kids are the ones most likely to hurt others.”
Extending this grace to a bully is difficult as it seems unfair to the victim who has suffered immensely. Just as two wrongs don’t make a right, two pains don’t bring healing. Victims and bullies share the same vulnerability problem, it’s just expressed in different ways.
A bully’s radar is programmed to notice vulnerability. When a possible victim is spotted, a bully will start slinging arrows. Some kids are impenetrable. The bully’s provocations bounce right off. Other kids are easily bruised. The bully can burrow under their skin and into their head.
Victims need a place of refuge, a person they can share their story and their pain with. The biggest thing about an injury isn’t the injury. Toxicity sets in when a wound is left to fester. Draw out the sadness. MacNamara explains, “One of the most important things we can do to help victims is to make room for them to express their hurt and fear. As we come alongside all that is unfair and unkind, it will be their tears that provide them with relief.”
At the same time, we need to help kids attune to their own safety. Some kids let their desire for peer acceptance blind them to the posturing of bullies. Their own vulnerable feelings are blocked muting the sense of danger. They don’t recognize harm until it’s too late. When your most important attachments are your peers, you risk being preyed upon by bullies. Peer interactions, even among friends, can be a major source of wounding and the older kids get the crueler they can be. Kids and teens are immature, they have not yet grown up enough to be responsible for taking care of each other. Yet in today’s society they turn to each other for support instead of to their parents and other caring adults. Kids whose lives revolve around peers, even when they repeatedly get hurt, need adults to step in and become their primary focus.
The solution to our growing bullying problem lies in bringing children back into orbit around adults who care for them. Attachment is the answer for both the bully and the bullied. Through right relationships, we can show them the power of being able to rest in the care of someone. By giving care ourselves, we teach how to care for others.
More information on Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental approach can be found at https://neufeldinstitute.org/ Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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