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“On Becoming a Person” by Carl Rogers
8-22-2018
This summer I am reading through my bookshelf. Taking a look at the books that have been gathering dust, waiting for a time when they can be opened and their wisdom examined. This week, I explore “On Becoming a Person” by Carl Rogers. For those readers unfamiliar with Carl Rogers, he is an American psychologist that revolutionize the mental health field. His counselling approach is based on the idea that self-acceptance holds the key to transformation. When we stop directing our energy towards defending and pretending, it automatically channels to striving and thriving. Because the book was written in the 1950s his writing style is dated and his anecdotes quaint, but at the heart of his message lies some powerful ideas to consider.
In writing about his own journey in self-understand, Rogers says, “I feel I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am. It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function. This must seem to some like a very strange direction in which to move. It seems to me to have value because the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” This is a key concept. I see self-acceptance as a launch pad for growth. Imagine trying to jump as high as you can. When the ground is solid beneath your feet you have something to push against and you can easily jump. But if you are in a foam pit, like the ones at the trampoline park, when you try to jump there is nothing supporting you. You can climb out of the foam pit, which is often quite laborious and ungainly, but very few people can jump out. Self-acceptance provides solid ground from which you can propel yourself upwards.
Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem, which is a judgment regarding how much you like or value yourself. Self-acceptance is achieved when we stop criticising the defects and deficiencies in ourselves and tolerate that we are imperfect. Even in this you don’t have to try to be perfect. Rogers only claimed to be becoming more adequate at it. Self-acceptance encourages you to reset the relationship with yourself. Embracing yourself in totality allows you to become lighter, calmer, more present, less self-critical and kinder towards yourself when mistakes are made.
Self-acceptance means being open to the full range of life: positive and negative experiences, emotions, and feelings. Negative feelings are not denied. They are welcomed as sources of insight which provide you further evidence as to the ground that you stand on. Through self-acceptance, both creativity and intuition are enhanced. You are able to see a range of options and trust yourself to make the right choices. You are both satisfied with life and continually open to new challenges and adventures.
Rogers says that just as you can learn to accept yourself completely with your own personal peaks and crags, you can also similarly accept others as they are. You can learn to relinquish your need to control, judge, and condemn others. He offers a wonderful analogy: “People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at the sunset, I don’t find myself saying, ‘Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.’ I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”
Rogers ideas can be difficult to believe in, especially if you have been hurt or betrayed. He promotes the power that results when one takes the time to examine what the painful experiences mean to you. Once you can honestly feel “freely and fully” you become aware of who you actually are. You can use your core feelings to decide what you want more of in your life and what you want less of. This allows you to move towards self-actualization: accomplishing your deepest held wishes. Rogers believes human beings are always in a “process of becoming.” When this process is built on a foundation of self-acceptance including the ability to use your feelings as guides, you move away from people, places and things that are not in alignment with your true-self. Self-acceptance leads to the motivating understanding that you are responsible for steering the direction of your life. Rogers had an optimistic and positive view of people. He encourages all of us to have the courage to accept ourselves, and in doing so, to become the person we are meant to be.
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