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Kids Do Well if They Can
10-17-2018
As a long-time educator, I’m used to kids making mistakes – it is part of the learning process. In fact, errors are beneficial in that they help teachers understand where the limit of a child’s knowledge lies. Effective educators often utilize psychologist Lev Vygotsky’s “Zone of Proximal Development” and aim to reach students within their ‘sweet spot’ where they can successfully practice new ideas under the teacher’s guidance which is slowly tapered off as proficiency increases. What seems so obvious in terms of academic learning, that mistakes are to be expected and that they indicate the boundary of a person’s capability, is often overlooked when it comes to helping children who exhibit challenging behaviour.
It is helpful to adopt a similar point of view towards misbehaviour. When a child does something wrong it signals that he is weak in a specific skill and needs adult support in learning it. In his book, “The Explosive Child,” Dr. Ross Greene asserts that a shift in mindset from “kids do well if they want to” towards one of “kids do well if they can” makes a world of difference in terms of how we respond to challenging kids. He suggests looking at social, emotional and behaviour problems as indicators that the child is lacking necessary skills in areas such as frustration tolerance, problem-solving or impulse control. Instead of rewarding or punishing behaviour to get compliance, he advises us to address the child’s underlying lagging skills.
At first glance, his approach is deceptively simple. Of course, kids do well if they can. We all do well when we can. No one likes messing up; getting into trouble; feeling bad; being overwhelmed; or having to suffer through consequences. Yet, as adults we often look for ulterior motives when a child acts up. We say things like, “He just wants attention.” “She’s manipulative.” “She’s testing my patience.” “He’s lazy and unmotivated.” “He likes to push my buttons.” “She’s doing it on purpose.” Statements like these reveal that the adult thinks the child is making a choice to misbehave in an attempt to ultimately get what he or she wants.
Dr. Greene asks us to flip this notion on its head. Instead of seeing the misbehaviour as a way to gain something, see it as a signal that the child is desperately struggling to meet the demands of the situation. She doesn’t have the skills to react with maturity and grace so she resorts to primitive behaviours such as crying, sulking, hitting, swearing, denying, lying, avoidance, and so on. The reactive behaviours are defensive tactics that show the child hasn’t yet developed more socially acceptable responses to situations that overtax her abilities. As adults, we tend to get caught up in these reactive behaviours by reacting ourselves, often igniting a full-fledged power struggle. Eventually, the adult’s authority trumps the child’s defiance and a truce is instituted – but at the expense of a damaged relationship and loss of dignity.
Dr. Greene’s method calls for parents and teachers to look behind the challenging behaviour and identify the lagging skill that set the conflict in motion. What is the unsolved problem that the child initially reacts too? In his opinion, the only way to actually determine the problem is to ask the child. He calls upon us to suspend our assumptions and theories as to why a child behaves in a certain way and to take the time to talk to him empathetically and authentically. To talk “with” the child and not “at” him. To collaborate together to solve the problem instead of determining consequences and solutions ourselves. To work in partnership developing new social, emotional, and behavioural skills and not as adversaries trying to prove who is right. To look upon challenging behaviour as a form of developmental delay that needs intervention instead of as a willful act that needs to be dealt with.
When a child doesn’t do well in an academic area such as spelling, we patiently identify which letter patterns have him confused and repeatedly practice those concepts until he understands. Consider applying a similar method when your child is having troubles behaving appropriately. Work with him to uncover his ‘sweet spot’– the space between where he already has the ability to act appropriately and where he is overwhelmed by the demands of the situation. This is where you can make the greatest impact. This is what learning is all about.
More information about Dr. Greene’s method can be found at www.livesinthebalance.org Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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