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How to Win Friends and Influence People
10-31-2018
Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has been a keystone in the fields of self-help and leadership development since it was first published in 1936. Recently, the book went through a revision to update the original folksy stories with anecdotes more relevant to the digital age. Both versions a packed with down-to-earth advice on how to get along with other people while attending to your own fulfillment.
Carnegie’s golden rule is “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.” He reminds us that in every interaction we have the ability to tear down or build up others. When someone is criticized, they naturally move to defend themselves. From that point onward, anything you say or do is filtered through their wariness as to what you may attack next. Carnegie asks us to consider that the degree to which you are heard by others is not your burden or blessing but your responsibility. He believes, “Those who accept this responsibility with humility, compassion, and a trustworthy zeal are much quicker to rise because others will remain willing to listen and cooperate.”
Furthermore, Carnegie encourages us to give honest, sincere appreciation. Human beings have an innate, unquenchable desire to know they are valued, to know they matter. By affirming others, we tap into their core needs. Carnegie draws a distinction between affirmation and superficial compliments. He says, “Affirmation, in contrast to flattery, requires seeing someone well enough to sense what to affirm, knowing someone well enough to be aware of what really matters. Flattery is usually an admittance of insensibility, a betrayal of trust. We say things we think we should say, but in reality, we aren’t thinking at all. Flattery sends the message, ‘You don’t matter enough for me to pay you much mind.’”
His next tip is to arouse in the other person an eager want. Afterall, we move towards what moves us. People want purpose. With a gentle, supportive hand, you can help others visualize who they want to be and how they want others to perceive their abilities. Your intention is not to manipulate, but to polish and shine.
Much of Carnegie’s advice hinges on being genuinely interested in other people. He claims, “Our biggest struggle is selfishness. We are interested primarily in ourselves. If we are not mindful, our self-defense can turn into self-detention, keeping us from meaningful interaction and in some cases cutting us off from interpersonal progress altogether.” Carnegie would surely be a fan of “me to we.”
One of his simplest suggestions is to smile. Even written words can smile and convey a message that the readers’ well-being is valued. Deciding to be pleasant, even in difficult situations, is a choice available to everyone.
Next, he reminds us that knowing and using a person’s name is sign of respect and acceptance. A name is a personal trademark. Remembering someone’s name whom you have just met or don’t see very often is a subtle but effective compliment.
Clear communication is essential to Carnegie. He asks us to be a good listener and to speak in terms of other people’s interest. He says, “The power of listening is the power to change hearts and minds. It is the power of giving people what they desire most—to be heard and understood. Who can resist being around a person who suspends his thoughts in order to value yours?”
All of his points lead towards leaving others a little better. When we make another person feel important—and do it sincerely, we build them up and strengthen our bond. Carnegie believes in small acts of service that make big impacts. He reminds, “Many steps come between what we sow and what we reap. Most are small seeds planted in the small moments of every day. Instead of looking for a big sell, seek small, meaningful ways to leave people a little better. There are no neutral interpersonal exchanges. Those with whom you want to connect and collaborate with only see the small picture of their own experience with you. “What have you done for me lately?” This means that the secret to all interpersonal progress is adding value, and doing so with regularity. You leave someone either a little better or a little worse.”
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a big book full of little tips. Carnegie’s advice is simple but not easy. They have stood the test of time and are certainly worth your consideration.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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