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Self-Harm
Zainab Dhanani
11-29-2017
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As parents we want our children to be happy and healthy so it’s especially hard to understand why they would intentionally hurt themselves. Unfortunately, self-harm among teens and preteens is on the rise with “cutting” being the most common - using a knife, razor, scissors, shard of glass, blade from a pencil sharpener, safety pin, or even an unbent paper clip to cut or scratch the skin causing bleeding. Other methods of self-harm include burning, pulling out hair, picking at wounds so that they fester, hitting, punching, pinching, or biting one’s self.
Self-harm is a coping behaviour, albeit a maladaptive and disturbing one, to deal with emotional distress. Even though it seems counterintuitive, it’s important to realize that hurting one’s self physically is an attempt to lessen the overall pain. Some teens report feeling dead or numb all the time and engaging in behaviours such as cutting allows them to at least feel something.
Temporary pain is better than constant nothingness. Others explain that since there are so many things in life that they don’t or can’t control, at least here they have one thing they do control. They alone hold the power to decide to hurt or not to hurt themselves. They may “test their limits” to see how much pain they can endure to prove how “tough” they are. Some kids do it as a social experiment. Their friends are cutting or they see examples on social media and they try it for themselves. Additionally, kids may hurt themselves as a cry for help. They hope for someone to see their wounds and then maybe the extent of their unhappiness will also be recognized. Thus, self-harm can be a type of communication. Youth sometimes self-harm because they desperately seek nurturing. Sometimes they feel so unloved that the tender care given by others, or even their own self-care, after an injury feels comforting and affirming. Self-harm may serve any of these purposes or a combination at different times.
As you can see, self-harm is complicated. It brings momentary relief or distraction from the underlying problems plaguing the person, but it does nothing towards actually solving them. It’s also addictive. The more times a teen cuts, burns, or somehow hurts him or herself to relieve emotional pain, the more he or she will feel the urge to do it again.
Self-harm is challenging for the person who is hurting and for the entire family. Knowing your child is so distressed that he or she is capable of intentionally injuring him or herself is traumatic for parents. It hard to understand the reasoning behind such actions and often parents mistake self-harm as suicidal behaviour.
Therefore, it’s very important to realize that self-harm is an attempt to cope with life. A suicidal person wants to end his or her life. Coping and ending have fundamentally dissimilar intentions. Self-harm is unhealthy, but it is not the same as wanting to die. It is common to hear a youth say, “I cut because I was angry. I was frustrated. I was stressed. But I don’t want to die.” If you are unsure, ask straight-out “Were you intending or hoping you would die by hurting yourself?” If your child says he or she was wanting to die, it is imperative to get professional help. Self-harm might look like suicidal behavior, but it isn’t. However, it is a sign of psychological suffering that should be taken seriously, and if left untreated could lead to eventual suicidal behaviour. Professional support for self-harm is different than treatment for suicidal ideation.
Breaking the cycle of self-harm is not easy. Treatment can be an emotionally strenuous for you and your child. The unresolved problems will need to be addressed, triggering your child to want to resort back to self-harming routines. Supporting your child means providing empathy, care, attention, comfort, and unconditional love plus being willing to look at how you may have contributed to the underlying problems. It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of the open wounds and discount the invisible emotional pain. Keep in mind, the injuries are the external symptoms of the internal suffering.
Discovering your child is purposefully hurting him or herself is scary and can cause parents to be worried or even angry. Managing your own distress during this challenging situation can be powerful role modelling for your teen to witness. It’s important to remember he or she is suffering. Cutting and other forms of self-harm are unfortunately common, but they are not normal. Listen, love, and get help for the healing to begin.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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